Ever wake up and look around wondering how did my life end up this way? Got a bad case of the could've, should've, would've 's? It seems to be a plague for me lately. As many of you know my husband is now permanently disabled from a simple surgery which turned into a catastrophic disability which took his ability to walk or use his legs without braces and forearm crutches. He is in excruciating pain on a daily basis, limited to what he can do at age 26, and it beats me up inside that I cant fix it. I can only do what I can to provide, make him comfortable, love him, listen, and try to keep our life as normal as possible. Its been quite a change for us but we are managing the best we can. Lately I have been so angry and I just cant seem to get it out of me. I have tried crafting, photographing, singing, writing and im still just mad. Angry that so many people don't realize how much they have, don't appreciate the simple things like walking, pain free life, ability to work, to provide, to dream and know you can achieve it, to know you can buy a house with 2 incomes, have a child n know your husband can carry your child around without falling.... People just take so much forgranted now a days and it eats me alive daily that we can only get glimpses of "normal". We are adjusting to a new normal, with wheelchairs, endless drs appointments, medications, tests...the list goes on and on. We are grateful to have each other, to be each others best friends, I love my husband and am so grateful to have him....its just a nightmare what has happened to him in the bl
Dark clouds fill the sky, Storms rollin in again, and I find myself missing my friend. You have gone away too soon, yet i know your strength ran out. Our memories will stay with me forever, you always knew just what to say, your so clever. I wipe my tears and here you say, "stay strong, keep pushin on". Ill live this life, your spirit by my side. Disease is just a word until you live it....my last breath, to you, id give it. Deaths a part of life they say, but i still cant believe youve gone away. So many dreams left astray, what i wouldnt give for just one more day. The music of your soul beats within me, your legacy will never end. Not a day goes by, i wont miss you my friend. May you find peace in your final resting place, in Gods hands, you can relax now, your safe. Dont worry about me, ill be here, staying strong and pushin on. RIP Uncle Randy
Written by Writing My Release 11-8-12
As promised to all of you, I am going to start writing again & will be posting some of my new work on this blog weekly so please come back frequently to read some of my latest thoughts, rants, etc. You all have helped me so much over the past 5 years & I am so grateful for each & every one of you & apologize for being MIA over the past year or so..life has been insane n my writing creativity has been blocked yet I am working on it now! :) Please tell me your thoughts, opinions etc...& be kind thx.
This road keeps twisting, turning, feeding me new obstacles around every bend. I refuse to give up, defeat is not an option and I wont give in. The demons of darkness, a plague preying on the weak, you have held my voice long enough, its my turn to speak. I've been screaming on the inside, rotting from within, anger bread inside me for months but you can have it back, like a snake im shedding this skin. As time keeps ticking, the sun rises and sets and seasons continue to change, life continues on. We all have struggle, we all have pain, anger, and hostility for the way things are however we can choose to be a victim, or we can choose to rise above. So this is me, rising above. Getting back to the things that matter most to me, music, writing, creativity. I do this for no one else but my own soul. Ive grown, dealt with the depths of my hurt, cried until my eyes were dry, yelled until my voice was gone, and now, I write, adding the final touches of my healing process. The funny thing about about growing up is no one prepared me for the changes, the unexpected, nor the challenges. The saying that has helped me most with adulthood thus far is "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" The best dream that has come true for me in this life is finding the kind of love that loves in return. I never knew me before....i only knew how to be a victim...how to focus on only the blame, pain, struggles, regrets etc of my life. Now I know, those are the demons, terrorizing and frightening, yet now instead of crawling in a corner with a bottle, I laugh instead. I focus on whats important, the here and now, the love, the passions and of course, the hope. Hope for something better, envision it daily & dont let anything or anyone take from you what you hold dearest. We do have control, So get out there, quit sulking, and LIVE AGAIN!!
~Written by Writingmyrelease 8-4-12
Let me out of this madness, take me away from this chaos.
My head is spinning and my hearts beating out my chest.
Constant struggle, a new one every day, Let me out, please, take me away.
Anxiety floods my veins, the pressure in my chest is building, anger swims within me.
My minds filled with pure bred hatred, this place im in, I cant break free.
The walls are closing in around me, collapsing one by one.
Smiles replaced with struggle, triumphs replaced with fear, slipping through the cracks while searching for solid ground.
Please help me im drowning, and i cant breathe. Surrounded by struggle I need to break free.
Pain isnt always seen, yet one can always feel, I may not talk about it but i promise these monsters are real.
Written 4-12-12 By Deborah. WMR. written about my unborn child whom I lost...
Born way 2 early had 2 fight 2 all along. nothings ever come easy!
Moms always busy and dads always stoned.
NO foorsteps to follow No compass to guide me.
I wish i could make you see how hard it is to become
the 2 people i never wanted to be.
My lifes laid out in front of me yet Im not sure which way to turn.
Maybe i could ask daddy, he swears hes kicked the habit.
I hope its really true, growing up the child of an attic damn thats hell to go through!!
Gotta take the hard road its the only way ill ever learn.
This isnt a pity party so i dont need your sorrys. Im just trying to read you a page from my lifes story!
I thought maybe if i cleared my head i could slowly mend my heart, maybe than it will show me where it is i need to start..
Its never been east but ill make it thru, i know who not to be because of u
most would breed anger or hate but i feel i owe u some thanks
you made me strong and kept me pushing on, and because of that, ill love u till my last breath is gone.
The slightest thing triggers a memory, forming tears in my eyes and thoughts full of pain.
Just the site of pills reminds me of my demented childhood and gives me cold endless chills.
The side of my fathers lifeless body as the medics try 2 keep him alive. tears forming in my eyes as i begin to cry
I think to myself all this just for a high...and pray Lord please dont let him die!
No one seems to understand the courage it took to hold his hand and forgive his mistakes hiding my pain with a smile that was so fake
Raising my father was no easy task, i spent my childhood hiding behind a mask!
I felt like a clown always hiding when i was down..
Yet i had to stay strong, he couldnt do it alone! I was all he had and no matter what harsh words were said, i was his daughter and i must proudly call him my dad..
Its never been easy but together we will make it thru...
SOme may say they understand yet they have no clue!
So Fight the cravings daddy and forget the high!
Thats only temporary but daddy im ur daughter till the day u die!
by ur side i will stand, Together we will stand together we will fall, Together we will get thru it all!!!
p.s. Its been yrs since I wrote this and yet my father still struggles with addiction. He has random seizures, high blood pressure, severe anxiety/depression, bi-polar disorder, and heart issues all due to the multiple overdoses he has attempted. We still have a very close relationship even through all the mishaps and addiction. He is my father, I am not perfect nor can I expect him to be. I love him flaws and all. 3-17-12
caught between 2 force fields of love and hate hating those who take every breath forgranted who believe their scarlet red blood will constantly flood their veins and their chests will consistantly rise and fall.bombarded with anger and frustration overwhelmed with guilt that i myself have sat back and watched the yrs fly by as if my own life knows no time frame yet i hear my heart screamin in my sub concious mind to love those who take this fragile life forgranted! to stretch out my hand to them and show them how to live as if they were dying for once my anger outweighs my love to assist those in need! i let go and tell myself they must learn alone i am unable to live someone elses life for them! The continual question weighin heavily on the phyliosophical mind of this irrate young woman is simply this....where do i begin to find the compassionate, forgiving, unconditional loving person i used to be? the gravitational pull of the 2 strongest emotions have me feeling like before long my own body is goin to split in half. i almost feel as if i am dead! physically im alive yet internally im rotting, slowly discinigrating into exactly who i swore id never become.every day is a blue like a fog has devoured my soul!! everything i stood for no loner matters, the only thing that counts is her heartbeat,her chest rising and falling,and that this demonic diesease has not captivated her influential, heartwarming, wise spirit!! i feel selfish for wanting to keep her here on this earth! I know shes suffering, in horrific agony and pain and heaven is calling her home.Lord please help me release the grasp i have on her physicallity and assist me in believeing you need her there a billion times more than i do!! She embedded so much of her spirit and wisdom into our family and fear we will detach ourselves from one another and lose the values and morals she placed within us all when she is physically bo longer her. i ask for strenth to carry on her legend!! wisdom to not allow my sorrow to take over the empowering person i kno i can be! If she must leave this earth, i understand! For i know now she will b the angel forseeing over us all!!! i refuse 2 b this angry, hateful person i have become! Help me to overcome all of this.To no longer like a ragdoll being torn into shreds and to hault the evil within me.Teach me to use love, hope and faith to fuel my heart, body and mind!! RIP JENNIFER JENSEN AKA NANA
You never quit on your music. No matter what happens. Cuz anytime something bad happens to you, that’s the one place you can escape to and just let it go. I learned it the hard way. And anyway, look at me. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. You gotta have a little faith.
A warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does-Dan Millman"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. "
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ones who are hardest to love are usually the ones who need it the most.
Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what’s good for you. They don’t want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs.
Death isn’t sad. The sad thing is: most people don’t live at all.
Previous PostsUpdate on my life, posted March 28th, 2013, 1 comment
RIP Uncle Randy, posted November 8th, 2012, 1 comment
Time to live again, posted August 4th, 2012, 1 comment
Real Monsters, posted April 14th, 2012
pieces of me n my childhood..worth reading i promise!, posted July 4th, 2008, 11 comments
Gravitational pull of mourning, posted July 4th, 2008, 5 comments
some quotes i love, posted July 4th, 2008, 7 comments
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